things with sharp edges
My friend Lala has been experimenting with online dating. Something I’ve never done, but I have no problem with. Actually, I know of four separate couples who met online and got married. One of them is a family member, one a best friend, one is a client and one used to be my waxer. Sidenote: My waxer and her fella relocated to Oregon (!), and she can’t find work there. Because apparently, women in Oregon are not into hair removal. Ha.
Anyway, the main reason I’ve avoided online dating is because I don’t really know what I want. And I hate to drag a bunch of other people into “all that.” But generally speaking, I think its fine.
We were out the other night and Lala was relating some funny-ass (and not so funny) online dating stories to your faithful blogger, and I’ll get to some of them eventually, in other blog posts. But for now…
“This is what you should be writing about, Lisa.” A phrase that I hear often and always makes me sit up and take notice. “What about the men who show endless interest, email me constantly and then when I email back, or consent to go out with them, I never hear from them again! What’s that about?”
What’s that about, indeed?
First off, Lala is pretty and charming. Talented, too. So none of this “she’s a hardship case” nonsense. It really is a puzzler. We tried to get to the bottom of the mystery, asking helpful questions like “Did you spill anything on him? Pick your nose? Talk about hot guys with BMWs?” No, no and no. Nothing untoward happened on any of the dates, and the emails were just responding back to the sender in a playful manner.
Men that disappear are a phenomenon that occurs outside of online dating- it happens all the time in any form of the mating ritual. An anomaly from what we’re used to. But it does happen. In fact, it recently happened to me.
I met someone, a special person, and we talked several times a day for months. He lives out of town so this was all over email. Definitely, he has some baggage. Definitely, he’s a red flag. Brilliant, funny and very conflicted- what’s not to like?
One day it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard from him in a while. I didn’t think much about it at first. We’re both self employed and he especially has a lot of responsibilities. But, after a while, I started to wonder. Had I done something wrong? Did I tell one of my off-color jokes and it missed the mark? Did my penchant for eating meals over the sink or letting the laundry pile up for days somehow make itself known online? I don’t know. So finally, I asked. A tentative email that hinted at my confusion- and my sadness.
I’m just busy, he responded. You didn’t do anything wrong. Whew. Thank goodness. Everything would have been fine except, except… I never really heard from him again after that. I would like to think; since I asked him straight out, that I got an honest response. I’d like to think that what he said was true, but actions speak louder than words.
What I told Lala, and this is a hard thing to hear (she didn’t like it at all), is that maybe, just maybe, after all the over-analyzing and presupposing maybe it just comes to this: we are just not as adorable as we think we are. These men are just not that into us.
That’s the one thing that none of us wants to admit, right? We’ll accept busy schedules, hurricanes, medical emergencies and car accidents as a reason not to call (or email). But facing up to the fact that someone just doesn’t really care about you is really hard to accept. It hurts. A lot.
When you lose a friend or a potential love interest, you have a couple of choices. You can keep trying to help (assuming something is wrong), trying to apologize (assuming all of the blame), or, you can move on. That’s what I’m doing.
I’m moving as quietly out of his life as I entered, never to return. I think it’s for the best. Even though it’s hard. Incomprehensible, really. But I think a little hurting now is better than prolonging the pain, making myself miserable, and probably just annoying him further. It’s for the best.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Anyway, the main reason I’ve avoided online dating is because I don’t really know what I want. And I hate to drag a bunch of other people into “all that.” But generally speaking, I think its fine.
We were out the other night and Lala was relating some funny-ass (and not so funny) online dating stories to your faithful blogger, and I’ll get to some of them eventually, in other blog posts. But for now…
“This is what you should be writing about, Lisa.” A phrase that I hear often and always makes me sit up and take notice. “What about the men who show endless interest, email me constantly and then when I email back, or consent to go out with them, I never hear from them again! What’s that about?”
What’s that about, indeed?
First off, Lala is pretty and charming. Talented, too. So none of this “she’s a hardship case” nonsense. It really is a puzzler. We tried to get to the bottom of the mystery, asking helpful questions like “Did you spill anything on him? Pick your nose? Talk about hot guys with BMWs?” No, no and no. Nothing untoward happened on any of the dates, and the emails were just responding back to the sender in a playful manner.
Men that disappear are a phenomenon that occurs outside of online dating- it happens all the time in any form of the mating ritual. An anomaly from what we’re used to. But it does happen. In fact, it recently happened to me.
I met someone, a special person, and we talked several times a day for months. He lives out of town so this was all over email. Definitely, he has some baggage. Definitely, he’s a red flag. Brilliant, funny and very conflicted- what’s not to like?
One day it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard from him in a while. I didn’t think much about it at first. We’re both self employed and he especially has a lot of responsibilities. But, after a while, I started to wonder. Had I done something wrong? Did I tell one of my off-color jokes and it missed the mark? Did my penchant for eating meals over the sink or letting the laundry pile up for days somehow make itself known online? I don’t know. So finally, I asked. A tentative email that hinted at my confusion- and my sadness.
I’m just busy, he responded. You didn’t do anything wrong. Whew. Thank goodness. Everything would have been fine except, except… I never really heard from him again after that. I would like to think; since I asked him straight out, that I got an honest response. I’d like to think that what he said was true, but actions speak louder than words.
What I told Lala, and this is a hard thing to hear (she didn’t like it at all), is that maybe, just maybe, after all the over-analyzing and presupposing maybe it just comes to this: we are just not as adorable as we think we are. These men are just not that into us.
That’s the one thing that none of us wants to admit, right? We’ll accept busy schedules, hurricanes, medical emergencies and car accidents as a reason not to call (or email). But facing up to the fact that someone just doesn’t really care about you is really hard to accept. It hurts. A lot.
When you lose a friend or a potential love interest, you have a couple of choices. You can keep trying to help (assuming something is wrong), trying to apologize (assuming all of the blame), or, you can move on. That’s what I’m doing.
I’m moving as quietly out of his life as I entered, never to return. I think it’s for the best. Even though it’s hard. Incomprehensible, really. But I think a little hurting now is better than prolonging the pain, making myself miserable, and probably just annoying him further. It’s for the best.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Comments
I dated someone I met online. We emailed each other for 6 months and when I met her, she didn't look like her photos. We still kept going out for over a year.. until I found out she was seeing other men she met online.
You're better off.
this is different than what you had to go through. it wasn't someone i dated, just a friend. he sent me a lot of photos and a video of him talking to a group and he looked Fine. assuming it was him in the pictures and not his dad or something!
lately I am starting to think that nobody tells the truth about anything. and people will write you off the first chance they get.
cynical? not yet. too much more of all this drama and i will be, though. it's really draining worrying and apologizing all the time. distance is good, i think.
I met my wife online. I also met a couple of other, amazingly hot women online at about the same time. It works. Sometimes amazingly well.
BUT, it also is weird. When I first started trying to meet someone online, I wrote a very normal, sane, reasonable ad. It went something like this:
"SWPM, entrepreneur, 36, reasonably fit, reasonably attractive, loves to cook and eat good food and drink good wine. If you're fit, single, less than 5'8" tall, and like good food and maybe a philosophical discussion over dinner, then let's talk."
The actual personal was more in depth, but the gist was above. I had no idea that "single" meant married or living with someone, and that "fit" meant 50 pounds overweight, and "under 5'8"" meant over 5'8".:O
I mean, what the hell! It was nuts. Over and over again. I was pretty clear, but it didn't matter.
Then, finally, you connect with someone who at least meets the minimal criteria, seems interesting and interested, and then after a flurry of emails and a lot of interest, NOTHING. Zip.
The first part makes me believe that there are a lot of folks who just don't give a damn about even the simplest of courtesies. You are there for their amusement or to satisfy their need (for attention, excitement, validation, company, whatever).
The second part makes me believe that a lot of folks don't consider online as "real". I mean real at all. Nobody on the other side is a real, feeling person. Just an avitar. Like porn for the mind. They get excited, but they have no intention of doing anything other than gratifying their ego or fantasy lives. Or they're playing around or thinking about playing around on someone. Or they just like the hunt. Once they catch you, they let you go. I suspect that your friend was one of the one of the "thinking about playing around" types. Of course, he may have been "busy" seeing someone irl. Here and now, warm and wet beats somewhere else and an ongoing hassle getting together. OR, he decided that you weren't into what he needed you to be into. In any case, nothing you did. It just is. You gotta move on. The right one is somewhere and you shouldn't waste time on one who isn't.
BTW, the whole online thing turned for me when I got pissed. I yanked my ad, and wrote an angry, challenge to replace it. Nothing about really me other than basic sexual orientation and that I wanted someone with the courage to "take responsibility for their happiness". No description of my interests, no laundry list of attributes that I had or that I wanted. Strangely, a number of attractive, intelligent women found that worth responding to. No losers and no game players responded. Oddly, no "incompatibles" responded either.
But my wife-to-be did.
There's probably a formula, but it is beyond me.
One final note: be careful online. Don't give out any personal information. Don't give out a home phone number. Do meet in a public place. Do have a "safe call" arranged if you go on a date. Don't rush or let yourself be rushed. If they aren't willing to correspond for weeks, then they won't be willing to put much patience into any dating.
Mark
The story of how you met your wife is soooo cute. You should post part of it on your blog!
Let me try to respond to everything in your comment:
1. I am Not planning to start online dating. Curious about it as a writer, but that’s it. If I someday change my mind, I will be careful!
2. So funny how you described your pared-down ad. I kibitz personals all the time and I am always amazed at some of the laundry lists people put out there. The "No liars, no cheaters, no sneaks!" type ads always make me think: How about "No one with a lot of emotional baggage?" lol No, that’s bad of me; I know people have been hurt- I’m just surprised they’d sneak 4th or 5th date discussion material into an ad.
3. ah, my out of town friend… He emailed me. Alas, his heart belongs to another. I'm very sad. But, I’m glad that he was honest with me. He was very gracious and basically said that he hadn’t known the right way to tell me. Can’t argue with that. So, now I don’t have to worry that I did something wrong. Or go around thinking about when I will get to see him, or have ideas in my head that we might end up together. And yes, you're right, I need to move on and I have already taken positive steps to do so. I’m sure I’ll bounce back.
Eventually.
:)
I met my wife online. I also met a couple of other, amazingly hot women online at about the same time. It works. Sometimes amazingly well.
BUT, it also is weird. When I first started trying to meet someone online, I wrote a very normal, sane, reasonable ad. It went something like this:
"SWPM, entrepreneur, 36, reasonably fit, reasonably attractive, loves to cook and eat good food and drink good wine. If you're fit, single, less than 5'8" tall, and like good food and maybe a philosophical discussion over dinner, then let's talk."
The actual personal was more in depth, but the gist was above. I had no idea that "single" meant married or living with someone, and that "fit" meant 50 pounds overweight, and "under 5'8"" meant over 5'8".:O
I mean, what the hell! It was nuts. Over and over again. I was pretty clear, but it didn't matter.
Then, finally, you connect with someone who at least meets the minimal criteria, seems interesting and interested, and then after a flurry of emails and a lot of interest, NOTHING. Zip.
The first part makes me believe that there are a lot of folks who just don't give a damn about even the simplest of courtesies. You are there for their amusement or to satisfy their need (for attention, excitement, validation, company, whatever).
The second part makes me believe that a lot of folks don't consider online as "real". I mean real at all. Nobody on the other side is a real, feeling person. Just an avitar. Like porn for the mind. They get excited, but they have no intention of doing anything other than gratifying their ego or fantasy lives. Or they're playing around or thinking about playing around on someone. Or they just like the hunt. Once they catch you, they let you go. I suspect that your friend was one of the one of the "thinking about playing around" types. Of course, he may have been "busy" seeing someone irl. Here and now, warm and wet beats somewhere else and an ongoing hassle getting together. OR, he decided that you weren't into what he needed you to be into. In any case, nothing you did. It just is. You gotta move on. The right one is somewhere and you shouldn't waste time on one who isn't.
BTW, the whole online thing turned for me when I got pissed. I yanked my ad, and wrote an angry, challenge to replace it. Nothing about really me other than basic sexual orientation and that I wanted someone with the courage to "take responsibility for their happiness". No description of my interests, no laundry list of attributes that I had or that I wanted. Strangely, a number of attractive, intelligent women found that worth responding to. No losers and no game players responded. Oddly, no "incompatibles" responded either.
But my wife-to-be did.
There's probably a formula, but it is beyond me.
One final note: be careful online. Don't give out any personal information. Don't give out a home phone number. Do meet in a public place. Do have a "safe call" arranged if you go on a date. Don't rush or let yourself be rushed. If they aren't willing to correspond for weeks, then they won't be willing to put much patience into any dating.
Mark
The story of how you met your wife is soooo cute. You should post part of it on your blog!
Let me try to respond to everything in your comment:
1. I am Not planning to start online dating. Curious about it as a writer, but that’s it. If I someday change my mind, I will be careful!
2. So funny how you described your pared-down ad. I kibitz personals all the time and I am always amazed at some of the laundry lists people put out there. The "No liars, no cheaters, no sneaks!" type ads always make me think: How about "No one with a lot of emotional baggage?" lol No, that’s bad of me; I know people have been hurt- I’m just surprised they’d sneak 4th or 5th date discussion material into an ad.
3. ah, my out of town friend… He emailed me. Alas, his heart belongs to another. I'm very sad. But, I’m glad that he was honest with me. He was very gracious and basically said that he hadn’t known the right way to tell me. Can’t argue with that. So, now I don’t have to worry that I did something wrong. Or go around thinking about when I will get to see him, or have ideas in my head that we might end up together. And yes, you're right, I need to move on and I have already taken positive steps to do so. I’m sure I’ll bounce back.
Eventually.
:)